Furious after reading "some better-than-me corn cob [who] needed to write to make himself feel better ’bout his snooze of a life and how he never gets carnal with ANY babes" bash Flint and Detroit in a Forbes slideshow, Karl Welzein published a column in Vice. He calls out the haters:
Anyway, there ain’t no real reason for anybody to say nothin’ ’bout hard times, when the American dream Dusty Rhodes already said it best back in ’85:
"Hard times are when the textile workers around this country are outta work, and got four or five kids, and can't pay their wages, can't buy their food! Hard times are when the auto workers are outta work, and they tell 'em, go home! And hard times are when a man is workin' a job thirty years! Thirty years! They give him a watch, kick him in the butt, and say, "Hey, a computer, took your place, daddy." That’s hard times! That’s hard times! And Ric Flair, you put hard times on this country, by takin’ Dusty Rhodes out."
Here is that unbelievable promo:
Karl points out that we should be less pessimistic. Instead of searching for opportunities to tear our fellow Americans down, we should be celebrating "national treasures" like Kate Upton and Taco Bell:
Think China or other countries have the innovative freedoms to take D’reets, first in the original flave, then Cool Ranch, and make tac shells out of ’em for the ultimate off-the-chain taste sensation? No way. ’Cause those places stink. So even though some piece of trash might wanna rank places like Detroit and Flint as hellholes, they’re still out of bounds with positive vibes. Why? ’Cause they got Taco Bells. And they invented muscle cars. And the Tigs are from DETROIT. And Bob Seger lives ’round these parts. So does Kid Rock. Think Bob Seger and Kid Rock would live in a dump? Idiot.
One thing that DadBoner has yet to discover is the bold flavor explosion that happens when you order the Loco Cool Ranch D’reet Tacs inside the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Add a packet or two of Fire Sauce and you will be taken away to a land of pleasure. Carnal passions may be the only better way to satisfy the body.
It's what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they fought for our freedom. The only way to improve the experience would be for Taco Bell to serve proper drinks. Can you imagine if The Bell were able to combine their unbeatable flavors with cold ones or Gatorpagne? The government probably doesn't allow it because they want to give "real" restaurants a chance to compete. Karl wouldn't want to get in a situation like past predicaments at Starbucks:
One thing he could do, though? Sneak in a bottle of Jim Beam. (Or any liquor.) Order two Loco Cool Ranch D’reet Tacs, one original D'Reet Tac, a Crunchwrap Supreme, a spicy buffalo chicken Loaded Griller, and a large soda. Fill the soda cup halfway with Diet Pepsi. (Diet because it's almost beach season and he must keep his bod in primo condition for the babes.) Go to the john and fill the rest of the cup with alcohol from the bottle. He'd have to be discreet, carefully avoiding a situation like the one at Applebee's this past August:
In unrelated — but major — news from that Vice post is that @DadBoner has a book coming out in July: Power Moves: Livin' the American Dream, USA Style. We've got high expectations. Hopefully it is like Drew's new book and contains all new material.
PS - in doing "research" for this piece, I came across this other Dusty Rhodes/Ric Flair promo from 1985. It's too incredible to omit. Live look-ins were a novel concept marveled over by studio host Bill Apter. If you make it to the end (or skip to it if you get bored), there's a huge payoff when Flair starts screaming at the blank television screen.